9-Year-Old Son, Too-Old Dad
“D-a-a-a-d?”
“Yes?”
“How’re you doin? Are you feelin’ good today?”
Call me cynical, but if I had one of those blood pressure cuffs on all the time, and it was hooked up to a computer that would signal changes, we would have just heard the first chime.
“Um, dad, um, if I did something that, like, something that would, I mean like something that would like make you, like, mad or something, um, would you want to know about it right away, or would you rather…”
“Son?”
Another chime.
“Yes?”
“Are you trying to tell me something?”
“What?”
“I said are you trying to tell me something?”
“Um, tell you something?”
Ding ding.
“Yes. Are you trying to TELL me something?”
“Um, well, yea. I’m trying to tell you something.”
“What are you trying to tell me?”
“Um, I’m like trying to tell you if I did something like bad or something, um, would you want to know about…
“Son?”
“Yes?”
“Can we cut to the chase?”
“The chase?”
“Can we get to the important part?”
“What important part?”
Ding ding ding.
At this point I’m trying to remember those anger management techniques that yoga instructor showed us in class last year. I knew I should have been paying more attention to what she was saying but she had both her legs behind her ears as she was explaining this stuff and…
“Dad, I don’t think you can cut a chase!”
There, no chime. A step in the right direction. See, yoga is relaxing.
“It’s a saying, you know, a figure of speech. What I meant to say was ‘Did you just do something that I ought to know about?”
“What?”
“I said are you in possession of knowledge that you might want to share with me?”
“Possession of knowledge?”
Ding ding da-ding ding..
OK. Breathe. Think of Miss Bend-O-Flex. This could just as easily be something innocent as it could be a smoke bomb that just landed on the roof. Smoldering.
“OK, pal. Time’s up. WHAT DID YOU DO? I NEED TO KNOW NOW, PRONTO! NO FOOLIN AROUND. SPILL THE BEANS!
I knew it the moment I heard the words hit the air. I knocked the train off the tracks again, and I’m starting to lose concentration.
“The beans?”
“OK. OK. I’ll try to go slow here. Is something burning, is your sister stuck under something, is there water where there shouldn’t be, have you enlarged any openings anywhere in the house that might be viewed as a structural problem? Damn it, son. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?” Steady stream of chimes now sounds like I’ve left the car door open.
“Um, dad?”
“WHAT!”
“That vein is popping out again on your forehead.”
My head starts to shake rapidly, I try the tongue but somehow I can’t make any words come out. Mouth is opening and closing rapidly but I don’t hear anything coming out.
“FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! WHAT DID YOU DO. TELL ME QUICK OR, OR, OR…
Example is the best teacher they say. And what a fine one I am, don’t you think?
“Dad?”
“YES!!?”
“I didn’t do anything. I just wanted to know if I ever do something bad, would you want to know right away or would you…”
Dinging now starting to slow, gradually dying out.
“Oh. You mean you really didn’t do anything?”
“No, I didn’t do anything. I just wanted to know if I did do…”
“OK. OK. I’m sorry I got mad. And yes, for the record, I think I’d like to know RIGHT AWAY if you ever do anything that might make me mad. That way, we’ve got a better chance of saving the house.
“What house?”
“What house? THE house. The one we use to keep the rain out.”
“Huh?”
“Tell you what. I’ll make you a deal. You know where the beer is in the outside fridge?”
“Yes.”
“Go get me one, and you and we’ll be great friends. OK?”
“OK. Um dad?”
“Yes?”
“If I ever snuck one of those beers and drank the whole thing and threw up after, would you want me to tell you right away or…
Ding.